


Not the Same

by Lilithangel



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 20:19:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilithangel/pseuds/Lilithangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They both have souls but it’s not the same. A series of encounters where souls are the subject of discussion more or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not the Same

**The First**

Spike wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth, Angelus normally hated staying in without the girls but Angelus who returned was quieter more restrained and he was desperate to discover more. Drusilla had been out of sorts since Angelus returned and Darla had been moodier than usual leaving Spike to fill the gaps in the unknown silence.

Having Angelus to himself was a rare treat at the best of times and having Angelus actually pay attention kept him talking and bragging. He’d seen in the eyes of the dying slayer something as real as the moment he’d awoken to his new existence with Drusilla. More than life or death, it was that missing something he’d paid no attention to while alive and hadn’t realised he’d ever miss. Drusilla’s rambles about the stars almost made sense as he watched it leave the eyes of the slayer.

Spike wanted to ask Angelus if he understood but even this more attentive version didn’t encourage that sort of conversation. Spike was different; he was Spike now for a start, so he didn’t think anything of Angelus being different even if Darla and Drusilla did. He held himself back and talked of the blood and the thrill and basked in the rare pleasure of positive attention from Angelus without the women around.

**The Second**

_It hurt, everything was so loud, all the screams, the faces staring at him especially hers. Dragging him down so heavy with his guilt that wouldn’t let him die. He would make it though, be what she, he, they deserved, take what he deserved too since he couldn’t dig the spark out from where it burned._

He hadn’t meant to come to L.A. of course he hadn’t meant to do a lot of things and here he was still lurking in the dark trying to shed his skin again. He wondered if Angel would notice, would see the spark burning through him and understand or pin him like a butterfly and leave him for the sun.

It made sense now, that first time, that second and final time Angelus had paid him any real attention that didn’t have a fist at the end of it. His head wasn’t right, the screaming blocked out thought, but not instinct and instinct kept him hidden when the boy slunk past. The boy smelt of Angel and Darla and the air tasted of a rage he hadn’t tasted since Lawson had realised Angel wasn’t coming back. They’d razed a fishing village before Lawson’s rage was controlled but Spike was pretty sure this boy would never stop.

Spike left the city when he felt Angel near the tug of Sunnydale too strong to stop and ask questions. Something bad was coming and Spike could only hope it would silence the screams so he could show her he could be what she deserved.

**The Third**

“It doesn’t make a difference,” Angel said from the ground.

“It makes all the difference,” Spike said shaking his hand out. “You can’t just swan back in here and expect there not to be anything different. Some of us stayed and that changed things.”

“She still kissed me.”

“She doesn’t always think things through.”

“Obviously.”

“You’re asking for another punch,” Spike growled.

“One free is all I’m giving you so don’t try it,” Angel warned.

“You’ve never given me anything for free,” Spike said with a snort.

“How about some advice then? Don’t think it changes anything or makes it easier.”

“I’m not stupid, that’s not why I’m here.”

“You always did stupid things to impress a girl.”

“Don’t expect you to understand.”

“Of course I understand, you’re an idiot.”

“Pot and kettle mate.”

**The Fourth**

“Why are you and Angel so different?” Fred asked as Spike toyed with some of her equipment.

“Because he’s a twat and I’m not,” Spike replied.

“No I mean, you’ve both got souls but Angel’s all glum and down most of the time and you’re not,” Fred said.

“He’s always been a drama queen,” Spike replied. He put down the petri dish he’d been playing with and leaned against a bench. “Why so curious? Everyone’s different human or demon, souls don’t change that.”

“I know,” she said, “I guess I’m curious about what it was like to get it back.” She rubbed her chest absently. “It’s hard to imagine what it would feel like since I can’t feel it.”

“You’d feel its absence trust me,” Spike said. “Even not caring about it you know it’s gone.”

“Did it hurt?”

“More than dying.”

 

**The Last**

“I thought she could love me without the soul but she couldn’t,” Spike coughed, “then it turned out she wouldn’t even with it thanks to you.”

“She said you were in her heart didn’t she?” Angel said.

“Yeah, the tiny bit left in a dark corner.” The words were harsh but the tone was wearily accepting.

“More than that,” Angel insisted, “that was why I goaded you into punching me that time, because I saw it in her eyes when she sent me away.”

“God you really are a tosser,” Spike choked out as he spat aside the blood pooling in his mouth.

“You can’t talk; you always took great pleasure in throwing your relationships in my face.”

“And where did I learn that from?”

Angel sighed and carefully lifted Spike’s head. “From the same person as I did,” he said, “now be quiet and finish your blood or you’ll never heal.”

Spike rolled his eyes but opened his mouth to allow Angel to trickle some more blood in. It had become an all too familiar scene between them since the alley. They fought as a well oiled (but still sarcastic) team now but the odds were always against them and one of them almost always ended worse for wear and needing blood.

They hadn’t really talked about it but they kept the humans at bay now not wanting to watch more fragile lives cut short. They fought with them (even the baby slayers on occasion), defended the innocent to block the screams of their victims for a few moments, but didn’t let them get close preferring instead their own shaky truce.

It was only in the quiet painful moments of healing that they would talk about it.

“I wish you’d told me what it was like.”

“Would that have stopped you?”

“No, but some warning would have been nice.”

“You never listen to my warnings.”

“Would have been nice to know you cared.”

“Don’t pout, you didn’t tell me what you were planning, how was I supposed to warn you about something I never thought you’d be mad enough to do.”

“Always underestimate me don’t you?”

“You are such a smug brat.”

“Ponce.”

Angel chuckled and kissed Spike on the forehead just to hear him sputter in outrage. He’d never tell Spike how glad he was the other vampire had a soul too. Sure he’d been a bit put out when he’d first heard but now, as they watched the humans and the vampires they’d cared about disappear and die, it was calming to know there was someone who understood and would stay. Spike never said it either but Angel was pretty sure he felt the same.

END


End file.
